The day I started doubting that anything I possible is the day that my child-like faith died. Before that, with God on my side, I could accomplish anything, almost without trying. And, if I failed, then God would always be there to back me up - to catch me from falling too hard. My dreams were limitless, my vision had no horizon. No risk was considered, no calculation or planning necessary because whatever necessary would just happen. I believed so much.
Now I have a thinking faith. A "maybe" faith. A “what if it’s not possible” kind of faith.
My faith sometimes isn’t faith at all. It’s a “look at me God - bless what I want to do, I’m not doing that because it doesn’t make sense” kind of faith. I ask God for my heart’s desire, when all He requires is that I desire Him.
Faith is letting go, holding on, striving and relaxing all at the same time and I somehow lost that faith, the faith that doesn’t require answers or constant assurances. I now have a faith that struggles, that doubts, that has been to the mountaintop and yet still doubts whether it’s even possible to reach it.
I want my faith back. I want to be able to do anything again, to be able to jump without a crippling fear of falling. I want faith to take my hand again and lead me through the dark places. I want to be able to say “yes” when called, no matter where-to or when. I need to let go- of my all-important self-importance and my less than selfless good deeds.
I want my faith back, the kind of faith that drives me with purpose and desire. I want my all consuming, all trusting confidence in the Creator of all, for whom there is no limit.
But maybe the kind of faith I yearn for is the inmature kind, the nostalgia of an adolescent ignorance. Maybe this new faith is somehow more authentic and real because it does struggle with uncertainty. It takes more for me to act, which in reality requires even more faith than before.
Yes, I want my faith back, but not the easy answer kind - I could never go back to that. I want a faith that wrestles with God and is willing to be injured in the process, that willingly places my own desires upon the altar without expecting a ram in the bush.
What I really want is to know that when God calls, I will still answer without hesitation, no matter how "wise" I have become. That the faith I want back.