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Snakes on a plane - official transcript (sort of)

Mark Junkans

VOICE OVER: In a world where snakes can get on a plane...

FADE IN ON: An airline check-in counter. The TICKET LADY is stamping somebody's ticket.

On the other side of the ticket counter is the passenger: a snake. In an effort to look more human, the snake is wearing a false moustache and an old-fashioned bowler hat.

TICKET LADY: Enjoy the flight, Mr...

THE SNAKE: Sssssssss.

VOICE OVER: ... one man is on a plane with snakes.

CUT TO: Samuel L. Jackson, sitting on a plane. The snake is sitting in the chair next to him. Jackson chats away, apparently unaware that his seatmate is a snake.

SAMUEL L JACKSON: Well, all I'm saying is, just because I had a baby with her doesn't make me a father, you know what I'm saying? I mean, I want to go to the birthday party, but I've gotta fly to LA and take care of business.

THE SNAKE: Sssss....

The camera pulls back to reveal that every passenger on the plane except Samuel L Jackson is actually a snake . They are wearing a wide variety of disguises--one of them has a fake bushy Hasidic beard and is wearing a prayer shawl. Another has an outrageous afro.

SAMUEL L JACKSON: Hey, you've got something on your moustache there.

He reaches over to brush it off, and the moustache comes off.

SAMUEL L JACKSON: Wait a minute. You're a SNAKE!

VOICE OVER: Now.. that man must warn the world.

CUT TO: Jackson is in the cockpit. The pilot is slumped over, dead. Jackson yells into the radio.

SAMUEL L JACKSON: You've got to listen to me. There are SNAKES... on the

CUT TO: Samuel L Jackson punching a snake. The snake is wearing a pair of jeans.

Jackson finally knocks the snake out. He rummages through the snake's pockets and is shocked by what he finds.

SAMUEL L JACKSON: Oh my God. This snake has a PILOT'S LICENCE!

CUT TO: Samuel L. Jackson is talking on one of those phones they have in the seatbacks of planes. Tears are streaming down his face.

SAMUEL L JACKSON: Listen, sweetie, I know I haven't been the best father. I'm so sorry. I don't think I'm going to get through this, and I wanted you to know something: I love you very, very much. Oh, and by the way, there are *%#@* SNAKES! On the *%#@ PLANE!

VOICEOVER: Coming soon: SNAKES ON A PLANE. Because on a plane...
nobody can hear the snakes.